It has been more than a few months since my last post. Okay, maybe just two.
I usually blog when:
1) I have something interesting to say and want no one or a few special to know
2) I have nothing to do and my mind suddenly decides it's a good time to write
3) I have weird feelings that need to be expressed but I don't know how to.
The first and second things are crossed off at my list because nothing's interesting the few days. Everyone knows I'm dating someone, and I should have paraphrased two excerpts before I actually write this post. But my feelings have taken over. All aboard!
My last post was Why Me? which was a very dramatic piece to explain my complicated relationship right now. This is somehow related.
Yes, now I am going to announce that yes, I am currently dating someone. Exclusively dating, should I say. We've been dating for about four months. I'm happy and content. He buys me food. What more could a girl ask anyway right?
But this relationship I have with the aforementioned boy is quite different. I have only been in one serious relationship, I'm not even sure if I should call it serious but I will, and we've only lasted for 3 months. Not accounting the first relationship we had which was about 2 months seriousness and 5 months idle since I accepted that it was just not meant to be.
The ex and I weren't close. Weren't that close. We just text a lot. Skype a bit. But that was all there was. And of course, the boyfriend-girlfriend label. We rarely held hands, hugged and kissed - even a peck. We only did that over the last 2 weeks before the dramatic ending of our love story.
However, the guy I'm exclusively dating now, which is amazing because he was the guy in my previous blog posts, and I are really close. I mean, touchy feel-y close. And I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I actually sorta like it. Having someone to cuddle and hug and squeeze just when you feel like it.
This guy is actually amazing. More amazing than how I thought he would be. He's more than just the guy I used to know a year ago. It's been an amazing 5 months and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So back again with the touchy feel-y part. We hold hands all throughout the day. Well not really. But it goes from holding hands, to holding my waist, to arm on my shoulder, to bringing-the-umbrella-so-I-have-to-hold-his-arm, to many other stuff. We've been together from the morning, until late at night when he takes me home. It has sort-of become a 'routine' for us. We have lunch and dinner together at anywhere we want.
But suddenly, I was afraid.
It's like this. Amazingly, our professor referred us to have jobs. I instantly declined knowing my parents would never have allowed me to work and I was right. Moving on, he was having second thoughts. But back then it didn't matter whether he says yes or no. So I never tried to attend the orientation thing.
It was held at around 4:30 and my class ended at 4. My friends were waiting 'til around 5:45 pm until they decided to leave. And yes, I was the only one waiting. And Ton. which was very awkward because we never talk alone. So I just stayed on that one side of the kubo, and he was on the other.
As I was waiting for the meeting to adjourn, I was blankly staring at random fixtures around the school knowing that my battery was down to 15% and the only thing logical to do was to turn on music. So I just listened to whatever was on shuffle.
And then I realized that I was such an emotional wreck. Fuck me. Because I am an emotional wreck. FUCK.
Most people would get jealous of computer games, texting other women, hobbies, and the like. But what was I jealous of? A fucking job. And no. Fucking is not the type of job.
And no, I'm not jealous because I wanted one. Oh hell no. I was jealous because that means that I get less hours with my guy. Pathetic, right? Oh come on, that's just like 16 hours a week! Yes, he only works for 16 hours a week. Just fucking 16 hours.
I don't know why. I don't friggin know why.
And it's not like I don't want him to. I really do. I know he just loves to code, and I know he really wants to do this. And if for some reason he finds this blog again and decides not to work even for a reason that is just simply remotely related to this blog post I will never forgive myself. It's my fault. It's definitely my fault if he ever does.
I want what's best for you, if you are reading this, and I know that doing what you love is.
I just probably couldn't understand if I could handle it. Ugh, pathetic. See, this is why I hate being in these kinds of relationships. I only bring people down with me.
I'm a too attached person. And I don't like it. I'm afraid of ruining a picture-perfect relationship so I just go with the flow. I never complain. Never ask you to change. I try to come up with solutions that either become bothersome or just plain meh.
I don't know why I'm in this relationship. It's too real. And I don't want to break something real.
But I'll get over this in a while. I hope. Fingers crossed.
And yeah, if you ever come up to me and tell me about what you think about this blog post, fuck you. Don't even try.
