He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
So yeah, this is a first. I always wanted to write about this since yesterday, but my shaky hands wouldn't let me no matter what I'd do and my eyes would get so watery everytime I tried to think about it so I let it pass. Today, I decided to do my homework first with a heavy heart before I had to clear all my emotions and rant everything in a blog page.
I haven't felt this way in a while.
I don't know, in the very first place, why I would feel this way. I mean, it was supposed to be a joke. IT IS A JOKE. It should have been a joke right from the start, but I don't understand why the first time I knew, it hurt so much. It hurt so much that if I had a choice, I would love to get sprained 100 times rather than knowing it, and I'm not kidding.
I'm falling, not in love, but in some other form of stupid affair that's not love with a guy that thinks everything is a joke. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, and maybe someday when we meet after around 10 years it would still seem to be a joke.
It hurts. Hurts more than just my usual heart contracting moments that inflicts real physical pain. And the worst part is, I don't fucking know why.
The first time we talked about this was two days ago, when we sat together in a bench, only to find out that after sighting the girl, he moved away. I didn't think of this any other way than just because he wanted to talk with her about college or whatnot. I even jokingly said to the girl, "Ako lagi na siya, girl. Ayaw ko ilugi intawn." followed by a laugh. And she would always respond to me, "Gitabangan man gud tika, ayaw kabalaka."
We put him in the hot seat that time, constantly asking him for his crush. He told us to open it up on his phone, but the security code was never unlocked. I tried to ask from his close friend who knew and whom I had contact with but he begged us not to. So we just asked him a few questions.
He gave us a few clues, some of which were:
1.) She was in the same department we were.
2.) Not a scholar.
3.) Not from his old school.
I never wanted to talk about this anymore after knowing the last two clues. I didn't even bother to wait for dancesport since I wanted to cry right then and there and I had no idea why I would do that. I left 30 minutes after, they were talking and I was listening to music minding my own business.
I thought my dilemma was over until a friend of mine asked me to text/call him to change our schedules (for the incoming semester). Being the good friend that I am, I called him and he politely asked me to change the sched for him (which I DID). Until it came to a point where:
VERBATIM (text message)
Him: "O. Hasol kaayo. Murag kamo ganina"
Me:"Awwww. Sorry *** :c"
Him: "D jud ko kaingon ky naa man cya did2"
Me: "Omg si ****** jud diay? :o"
Me: "Oy ***, i confirm baaaa. :)"
Him: "O"
And then I thought that that was the ending of the heartbreak, BUT WAIT, there's more.
Me: "Awww :)"
Me: "Char oy. Haha :)"
Him: "Klaro man wa koy chance sa?"
And then I was thinking, WHAT THE PAK? What should I answer?
In the end he told me,
Him: "Haaay. Loser man gud ko basta usapang gugma2"
Him: "Ayg saba haaa"
And I didn't know how to feel. It was like having my bones being crushed all at the same time.
BUT THAT WASN'T THE WORST PART.
Just this noon or early afternoon, we met along with several other computer science friends. We sat down at a bench in school. This time, he was still in the hot seat. He was constantly asked by our friends to tell them who his crush is.
They all took guesses. We all knew she was from Biology until a friend said, "Ay close man mu ni ******, siya sa?" And then he didn't say anything and he wanted to change the topic unlike when talking about the other girls where he firmly says no. He was smiling shyly as they teased him with the girl. I tried to smile and even asked him, "Tubaga ***, si ****** ba daw uy?" with a shattered heart.
Some of my friends tried to ship us, like telling him, "Ngano si ****** paman oy, si Czar nalang oh." But then he was too busy getting his mind on her.
I HAD TO EAT RIGHT AFTER JUST TO CHILL.
I mean, reading it from a text message is one thing, but hearing him say it? Seeing him get so hyped up by the sound of her name? Seeing his smile differently just because its the girl he likes? No, that wasn't the guy I was expecting, and that wasn't the pain I was feeling.
It was worse.
I will eventually get over you. A matter of fact, I am already in the process and it's moving at a fast pace. Good thing I started to end as soon as possible.
I mean, you're not that great, right? You're not that funny, or tall, or smart or handsome or talented or sweet or romantic or whatnot. You shouldn't be.
Thanks for breaking my heart right before I decided to actually fall. I'm hanging on a root of a tree at the edge of a cliff.
But don't worry, I can propel myself up again.
I hope. And fast.
Lesson learned: Don't try to make a guy fall in love with you, because in the end, you lose.
