Uhh. With the situation I guess? So I haven't seen my closest friends from highschool in a very long time. And emphasis with the very. We decided to meet up at a house to catch up with each other on what's happening with our lives. I don't have a lot of girl friends and I usually hang out with the guys (or most of my close friends are guys that's why it's easier to finish the 18 roses rather than the 18 candles for my debut, but that's another story). It was going to be a sleepover with like movies and popcorn. She knew these guys for like 4-5 years already, and that's long, isn't it? So I figured that she could trust me enough to take care of myself for a night. And no, I'm not the only girl in this party. I'm with a few other girl friends with me.
She told me I could go a while ago. I was happy to note that figuring that she rarely says yes on these occasions. I was so ready to fill my bags with clothes enough to last me a night. But then she suddenly changed her mind and told me I couldn't go. Why couldn't I just sleep at home and whatnot. i mean, I could probably understand more if she hasn't pulled my hopes up thinking I could go.
But the worst part is? Knowing your mom can't trust you. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried my very and absolute very best to be a great daughter. I know I'm not much. My grades aren't enough to put me to the top ten of the batch but they're not much lower. They're as high as I can attain them. I don't sleep for nights just to finish my projects and study exams. I don't even ask for her help when I don't understand things. I try to learn them on my own, even if it means being so frustrated.
I grew up to be a person that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. I wanted perfection. I just don't know how I can actually attain it. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE CAN'T TRUST ME. She has known my friends for years, and she knows me, or I think she does.
I don't know if she knows that I set up fires all by myself during camping. Or that I could cook food, like real food and not just eggs and hotdogs. I don't know if she knows I can manage a program all by myself. Or if I know how to go hiking.
I can do all these things, mom. Why can't you trust me for a night?
I won't get pregnant, if that's your concern. Or I don't know if you look at me that way. I know my limits, you told me that already, but were they just words? Don't they mean anything to you? Because I really thought that they were something.
You should've told me why. You should. Because these are answers I can't find in any book. Even if they're the inspirational ones entitled "Reasons why your mom yada-yada-yada" NO. I CAN'T FIND THE FCKING ANSWERS.
I know that having a mom is great and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just want to know. Because it's so hard just doing what she says without knowing why. I can't be some robot who does things just because they're said and programmed to. I want to do things because I know what they're for and what they bring me.
I don't know what to do anymore mom. Program me once again. Tell me what to do. Because I don't know. And I never will.
