Did I even mention that I'm finally legal? I guess not. So yes, I'm finally 18. And it's been more than 3 weeks since my last post.
So I'd like to make this post a little bit more personal, a little bit more "about me" than about someone else.
That's a really broad question. How am I?
I'll let you be the judge. I can't say how I am doing right now. Yes, please be judgmental. I wouldn't know what you think of me anyway.
After all, I can't read minds.
I'll tell you how my March went on.
March is my birthday month. You would think, wow, so this should be a real good month for Czar! But no, it wasn't. March 1 was our final exams for PE 2. But it was no competition, it was an overnight stay at a hotel. What's so bad about that? It so happens that the day after that was my debut. But you've made the preparations already, right? We didn't have an event coordinator, because 20K is a really big amount. We went to boutiques and made all our walks on our own. We created the invitations by ourselves. It was crazy tiring but it was fun. But because of the upcoming Student Council elections, I wasn't there for the past 2 weeks. So everyone was grumpy and topaz the 2 days prior to my debut. I even cried on the day of my event because of all the stress I had to come through plus a talk with my dad about having someone else answer my phone. LIKE SERIOUSLY? Uh. I don't even want to talk about it.
Anyway, on the day of my debut. I didn't feel the party at all. It felt like someone else's party and I was just posing there. It wasn't my debut, I was just an image that everyone had to celebrate because they got invited. The after party was even better than the actual debut. But don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's sweet messages and all. It's just, it just didn't feel right.
That's weird. Yes, it was. And on the day of my actual birthday. It was boring. I didn't do anything. I went to school. Waited until around 5 pm. I ate hotdog and noodles at a 'carenderia' where a cat drinks water where the spoons and forks are placed. But a real cute surprise awaited me from my really cute computer science friends. And by evening, 12Lerz came by my house to eat vanilla ice cream, my favorite!
That doesn't sound so bad now, Czar. Oh, but wait, there's more! On the 7th, we had a drinking sesh with some of my friends. Ew, do you drink? Yes. Not drinking doesn't make you a saint. So don't think of yourself so high now sweetie. So what's next? Apparently, I had too much to drink. I ended up being really drunk. I only spoke in English saying crazy things like, "Take me home!" or "I wanna sober up!" and I do not carry such a memory. Oh, and that was also the day I straightforwardly said to the guy in Finally that I really liked him. And the same day he crushed my little heart, enough to make me move on.
Ouch. But it's for the best, right? I guess so. See over the course of the following weeks. I've done something over and over again. What? I won't tell you though. It's something between me and some real close friends I knew. It's not a crime, or is it? I'm not sure. And rather than feel guilty about it, I chose to do it again, and again. Do you think I'm okay? Doing something with no conscience at all? I know it's wrong, but does that really matter if I enjoy it?
Czar. Something's wrong. Maybe. That's the meat of how I'm doing. Doing something without ever feeling guilty about it. Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe I need attention. From who? That I do not know.
And another thing, there's been a cold war (or are we the only ones thinking that it is?) between two groups. Or rather, my friends and I and my other friend. If you happen to read this, I'd like to say sorry in behalf of you know, all of us. I'm bad with apologies. So this is the best I can do. Sorry.
Oh yes, I did figure out something a while ago. What is it? That I missed the feeling of being in love. I mean, it's okay. But having friends with boyfriends make you a tee-bit of jelly. Having someone to watch Divergent with you. Having someone you could take to La Vie. Having someone to cuddle with when it's cold. And all those mushy stuff. Then why don't you get one? I'm waiting for a year to pass. I've made a good deal with a friend.
But love shouldn't be founded on deals, right? They shouldn't be about compromise, it should be about acceptance. It shouldn't be about rules, it should be about feelings. And that's just not right when you mix deals with emotions.
But I've met someone who made me realize that it's definitely better to wait.
Where am I, again? I've lost track. Keep going, Czar. Oh right, so yes, feelings and shit, friendships and crap. Another thing, I've lost my drive for good grades. Last semester, I've been burning 20 midnight candles just to get a good grade, and true enough, I did get good, wait, great grades. But right now? A 2.5? That's cool.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Can I say I'm okay?
I'm overly dramatic. I know.
I'm okay.
No one cares anyway.
